irony

well just two days ago i sat here and wrote about how i just can't write anymore. now, today i sit here and all i can do is write. it's my only hope for getting some of this pain "out" for a moment or two. Don't get me wrong, I've talked to people, cried a lot and prayed the whole way home tonight, but the pain is still there. It's still intense and raw and deep down and I am alone - which sucks - so, i write.
Broken Hearts. i guess it's when your heart is broken that you really hurt for those who hurt. I mean, i hurt for other people, but i can't really FEEL their pain until i am in pain of my own. I feel it now. And thinking about how intense this heart ache is, i can only imagine how incredibly deep and long and hard it must hurt to get divorced (like my sister did after years) or to lose a husband (like my friend stacie did after 2 years). I think of my mother and the 4 divorces she's gone thru. I don't understand why this life is so painful. Why God chooses specific pain for each of us. But, i do know that there's some great, good hand of God behind it. I know that i have hurt as badly as i'm hurting now and that i've felt more rejected and alone than i feel right now...and i made it. God has met me in the midst of the deepest pain i've ever experienced and He has gotten me through some long, horrible days. He will do it again. Gosh, I don't want to have to suffer thru this. I want to DO SOMETHING to make it change, go away. But i can't and that is maybe the hardest part - just accepting the pain for what it is and offering it back to Jesus. I suck at that but after what i went thru in 2005, now i atleast know that that is what i need and want to do - accept the pain as a gift of some kind and to offer it back to God as the only thing I have to give Him right now.
I'm sure i'm making no sense. I'm sure no one will even read this, and if they do they'll probably not have a clue why my heart is so broken. But, i needed to say all that and i'm thankful that i got my blog back.

alone

I can not write anymore. It's so strange. I come to this blog with feelings and thoughts and a deep sense of what I want to communicate and then it comes out like a I'm still a 16 year old cheerleader. Bad analogy? Anyway, it's just strange. I really miss those days when I could come here and put my heart and mind out there and it seemed to just flow out (at least to me it seemed to flow). I guess it's most frustrating because this blog in some sense makes me feel connected, not alone and when I can't even blog I feel even more disconnected, alone, un-understood. Anyway, that's about all I got right now. That's about all I've had for the last year. I haven't even been able to journal in ages. Well, I tried. I'll go back inside my head now.