Grattitude (or lack there of)

So, this morning in church, the first song we sang went something like this, "I will approach God with thankfulness..." I'm sure I just slaughtered the true lyrics, but none-the-less that was the jest of it.
As I stood there singing that song, I realized that I do not approach God with grateful heart as of late. Instead, my eyes seem to see so much pain and suffering (in myself at times, my loved ones many times and strangers throughout the world all the time) that lately I've approached God with a questioning heart. How is God real and good and intimately involved in our lives and yet the suffering of my 5 year old nephew continues and the suffering of the Kenyans and Pakistanians continue and the suffering of the millions of lonely hearts around me continue? Where is the hope of the gospel in those situations. Where is Jesus when my nephew is home alone with a passed out mother? Where is Jesus when my co-workers marriage is falling apart? Where is Jesus when my friend is slipping into depression because of death in the family?
So, little by little my heart grows ungrateful until at last I realize I don't believe God is good - not today at least.
But then, between 10:45 and 12:15 this morning, Jesus, this God who I question and doubt and don't understand, comes to me and reminds me of what He gave me and my nephew and my co-worker and my friend and the world on the cross. He reminds me that I have Him and that I have an eternal hope and that I have all that I don't deserve. And I get a sudden yet subtle reminder that I do indeed have much to be thankful for, even if it's only that one thing - Jesus.
As my friend Dianne Nelson always said, "Whatever we've got, it's better than hell and that's what we deserve." Jesus is what I'm to be thankful for in the midst of this horrifyingly painful world.
Come Lord Jesus Come.

After writing that post, I must add a disclaimer. Those of you - all 2 of you! - who might gander at my blog now and again perhaps think I'm a melancholy, ultra-somber, quase-depressed soul. And I wouldn't blame you due to the nature of most of my posts. So, I feel the need to defend myself (against myself I guess) and say that most people who know me on any personal level would pretty much never describe me with those words. It's just that the only times I'm in the mood to blog are the moments when I've been pondering life and that usually involves some somber thoughts because in reality life is hard to most people who partake in it.