Fear

Funny how fear works. It doesn't always feel like fear. You don't always feel afraid when fear is taking over. At least I don't. I often feel apathetic, uninterested in whatever it is that's calling me to risk - calling me to a place that I'm essentially afraid of. I would almost rather feel fear in it's rawest form because at least then I could it see it for what it is and deal with it with the right tools. Instead, I only feel the lack of desire to be in a certain situation or with a certain person. So, really I just feel the desire to be in the place of security and comfort. That doesn't feel scary or even like a negative feeling, so I just roll with it. I blow off the thing or person that is really evoking fear in me and I actually feel good about it - I feel un-needy, in control, independent. Yes, this feels right. After all, I've always been taught (or taught myself perhaps) that it's better to be un-needy than too needy. It's better to be independent than at risk. It's better to be in control than vulnerable.

So, now that I've got a few years of experience in dealing with my own deceptive heart, I can actually see this reality (though I still can't control it) and now I think my biggest fear is that I'm never going to change. That fear will always control me - even as I feel I am controlling it. That makes me afraid of never risking and never truly loving.