Twenty-one Lessons in Sixteen Days...

I wrote this as an email just over a year ago, 16 days after going thru a very traumatic labor, still in full recovery mode and full new-mom with newborn mode...I remembered it today and initially thought it'd be great blog material. Now that I've re-read it, I'm thinking an anonymous blog would be best. 

On a side note, I would write much different things today. Thank God! 

If you are easily offended, grossed out or think that reading something offensive or gross could cause you to hate me, please STOP READING now. This was written by an exhausted, hormonal, yet humored woman.

You've been forewarned.



Some things I've learned during my 16 days of motherhood...

1. If you really hate someone, wish a 4th degree tear on them.

2. If you really, really hate someone take them dinner and... (had to delete to protect myself!)

3. Well intentioned people can be complete idiots, douches, control freaks, selfish and pretty much just clueless. I currently possess the capacity to hate them in the moment yet I do not possess the capacity to hide my hatred in that moment or the moment after or the moment after that. 

4. I owe apologies to several women in Decatur...that I took meals to and lingered for more than 5 minutes. 

5. About 15 days after labor, after being home staring at your walls and husband and those various visitors that you hated, you will suddenly want visitors. Only, there are none. 

6. Going anywhere is ecstasy.

7. Going anywhere alone is orgasmic.

8. I'm convinced if I didn't have stitches holding my vagina and rectum together, a lot of this would be null and void. 

9. Hot water on your ass feels awesome! Really, no sarcasm. 

10. Coconut oil or vaseline is better than Desitin or Beudreux (sp?) Butt Paste for diaper rash.

11. Coconut oil is great for a dry private parts, also.

12. Facebook + smart phone is a life-saver when you're breastfeeding. 

13. Taking a shower is the highlight of my day. Every day. 

14. Home cooked meals are awesome, but damn, give me some McDonald's! 

15. Breastfeeding makes me put a 300 lb man to shame in the kitchen. 

16. The first 7-10 days after birth, you will possibly feel like you're skinnier than you've ever been in your life. Around day 11, reality will start to set in. 

17. Reality is, you're still bigger than you've ever been in your life and you only thought you were flabby before pregnancy. Apparently, 9 months of lethargy really does cause muscle wasting. 

18. You only thought you hated your ______ (insert family member of choice) before!

19. You will need someone to hold your legs during labor. 

20. "This too shall pass" really does become a sanity-saving mantra. 

21. Around day 3 you will find yourself looking forward to the day when this phase, i.e. motherhood, will end. It will hit several times a day that it's not ending, ever. You may panic slightly. Or greatly. Then you will refer to #20 and calm down because at least the phase of not sleeping, not leaving the house, hating everyone around you and having a constant suckling of your sore boobs will pass.