Loss

Just a few days ago I was thinking about how long it's been since I've blogged, journaled or written anything for that matter. How long it's been since I've wanted to write. And low and behold I find myself on here 3 days later.

Funny how death will do that to ya. Make you want to express yourself. You can't really express to anyONE what you're feeling or thinking and so somehow writing is like getting it out without really caring if the other person understands. You understand (sort of) and that's enough when you write. At least it is for me.

Anyway, someone died. This someone is not really a "friend" but he was a big part of my life for several years - in a different way. I've been surprised at the emotions that have surfaced from his death. I miss him though I hadn't seen him in almost 3 years. I probably never would have seen him again, but now I know I won't. There's also emotions connected to the relationships that connected me to him. He was part of a time in my life that is now "the past" and his ending brings about a renewed sense or awareness of that part of my life's ending. It is over. It will never be again. I've known this. I'm pretty sure I've even mourned it before - when it actually ended. But, it's like the reminder of it being no more and never again brings up feelings of nostalgia and even love for that time, those people, that Heather, those experiences, even those hardships. It also brings up feelings of love for God. God was working so intensely (painfully yet sweetly) in my heart in that epic and being taken back there by this death, has made my heart long for God and love him afresh.

There are other feelings. The pain of those whom I loved even more than this man, those who loved him even more than I do. The pain for their loss hurts. I want them to be held and cared for and comforted. I can only pray that will be. And trust. I can't be there. I can't touch them or even talk to them. I can't give them my petty words of assurance or love. And that in itself is another form of pain.

The strangest thing about all of this is that when I was there - far from where I now live - I lost people who were here. Kind of the same situation, only the physical locations are reversed. And the weird thing is that the people I lost them were much closer to me than this man, but I don't think I ever felt as much as I've felt with this lost. I'm not even sure I ever mourned those people. And those were people I should have mourned. People who I was much closer to or more attached to thru family ties than this man. But, for whatever reasons (and I'm asking God to revel them if they're helpful at all), I didn't really FEEL the reality of their deaths and the worst part is I didn't feel the pain of other people that lost them. I just didn't feel much of anything.

Well, I think I've gotten my thoughts out. Not sure when I'll be back. Could be a day . Could be a year. Maybe I'll have some big revelation about the above paragraph and write about those soon. Maybe I'll just feel this pain and Jesus will hold my heart as he holds the hearts of those who have really truly lost a great man and a great love.