heather got a blog

Suffering, Self-Centeredness and a Savior

2008-12-05T16:27:00.003-05:00

As I walked out the door this morning, I quickly discovered that my car was iced over. Not frosted, but iced over. Not a shocker considering it was wet and 28 degrees outside. Long story short is that it took me 10 minutes just to get my windshield somewhat transparent. I still had difficulty getting my door open and couldn't roll down my windows. Of course, I was freezing and had wet hands by this point. Surprisingly, I wasn't as mad as I might have been on another day. But, I was very aware of the inconvinience and "suffering" that this situation caused me.

A few minutes later, I was all warmed up and cozy, listening to my music and pondering life. My life. This is where the "self-centeredness" really reared it's ugly head. So, I was thinking about a situation in my life that I would like to change, control, manage. I'm analyzing the situation to the degree that some might consider obsessive or, at the very least, consuming.

In the midst of all this, I pass a homeless man. He was carrying a very large, heavy looking blanket on his back, wrapped over his shoulders and around his cold body. DId I mention it was 28 degrees outside? This guy was walking slowly as if he was sick and tired and burdened not only by the physical weight on his back, but by life.

Everyday when I pass the many homeless men and women on Ponce, I think about their lives. I imagine what lead them to their current situation, how they feel about it and mostly how I so easily think of them as less valuable than other people. But, this morning there was an additional conviction.

My idea of suffering from my frozen car was suddenly absurd. And my self-focus, as evidenced by my obsession to figure out and control the personal dilemma mentioned earlier, was so, well, selfish. I mean, if I thought of others and cared about others about 1/2 as much as I focused on myself I might actually be freed up enough to be a reflection of Jesus to them.

I immediately felt the need for forgiveness and transformation and as I asked Jesus for these things, I was reminded that in Him I already have them. That's the good news, knowing I am forgiven and Jesus is transforming my heart. I can have hope and yet be broken over my sin.

This is the beauty of the gospel: it makes me more aware of my sin than ever yet it makes me more hopeful and freed from my sin than ever. That's Jesus. The lover of my corrupt heart. The one who was so unselfish that he suffered more than we can imagine in order that we might be freed from our selfish hearts. Beauty in the flesh people, beauty.

Now, about the homeless and those who really suffer? Good question. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that Jesus loves and values those people and I have a sneaky feeling that He wants me to learn FROM them as much as He wants me to reach out to them.

thoughts on men versus a man

2008-10-29T23:05:00.005-04:00

While on this little solo-retreat, i.e. paid business trip, I have been rejoicing in the time to ponder life. There’s nothing like alone time. Over the last year or so, due to facebook, roommates, job, church, community, volunteering, etc, etc, I seemed to have forgotten the value of alone time. Hearing the heart time – your own and God’s. There’s especially nothing like alone time when the sound of crashing waves is the background. Beautiful.

So, as I was saying, I’ve been pondering. Yesterday I had the deep yet tangible desire to be loved. Now, don’t get me wrong, I always want to be loved. Who doesn’t? But, yesterday, I had somewhat of an epiphany. For, perhaps the first time in my life, I was acutely aware of the fact that I would trade and want to trade all the flattery, compliments, looks, glances, attention…from all the men in the world for the real love of one man.

I have a feeling that this is normal for most women and that I am just a late bloomer. As a matter of fact, I can remember having slight anxiety attacks while in past relationships because I would have the ridiculous thought of, “What if this is it? All flirting and flattery will end. All the security I get from these silly types of attention from the “others” will end and I will be stuck with just one.”Now, I realize the ridiculousness, immaturity and insecurity behind that line of thinking/fearing, but I is who I is. That is simply where I was.

Now, the purpose of this note is not to do some self-analysis (Trust me, there’s been plenty of that in my life. Too much I’m sure) and confess all of my jacked up relational thoughts and fears.

The point of this is to share both of my epiphanies with you. Yes, there are two, one giving birth to the other. Or maybe the latter birthed the initial, but in secret ways.

Focus, Heather, focus.

Okay, so that first epiphany, as elementary as it probably sounds to most of you, was so meaningful to me. I had an intense sense of “Yes. Yes! That is true. I would trade it all for the real love of one man.” Now, before you judge me as desperate, let me clarify that this was not about having someone, anyone love me. This was about a realization that began in the soul and not in the mind. It hit me like a ton of bricks – only the kind that knocks you into a soft cloud of peace. I had to stop, pray and tell the Lord, that I was ready. I was ready to lay down all the shallow things that make me FEEL lovable; the things that make me feel as if one man COULD love me. I was ready to lay it all down and trade it for one man who truly does love me.

Strange? Yes

A huge turning point for me? Indeed.

Now, this first epiphany swelled up in my head and heart various time over the last 24 hours and I pondered it and dwelled on it and talked to God about it. About why it took my 34 years to get there and why I’ve relied on “proof” from men (plural) to give me hope that one man could someday love me.

So, that’s revelation number one: what I really long for, to be loved my a man, only requires one thing: one man’s love. Not a plethora of flattery or desirability by men, any men.

Anyway, that’s enough of that…

So, tonight I was flipping back and forth between Ephesians and Philippians (for no apparent reason, other than God’s sweetness) at which point the second ton of bricks knocked me into another pillow of peace and awe.

In Philippians, Paul is talking about how the things in which he used to put his confidence, his birthright, his keeping of the law, etc, etc were meaningless and how he traded them all (die to them all) for the knowledge of the love of Christ. How grace and real love from God were the real thing and the rest were only meaningless attempts to “prove” that God could and would love him.

As I was reading this, I kept thinking, “Oh my gosh, this is me. This is exactly what God’s been showing me about the man thing. I, like Paul, see the futility and ridiculousness of needing and wanting and trusting in the meaningless, impotent confidence gained from the masses. And, indeed, what I longed to know, that a man could love me, would only be known when a man (one man) did indeed love me. And, like Paul, I now consider it all rubbish.”

So, that was grand but that was not the end.

I began thinking of the reverse. What if my reading from Philippians was not insight into my man thing, but what if my ‘revelation’ about the man thing was insight into the truth of Philippians: that the way I long for one man’s love is a picture of the way I could, I should, I want to long for Jesus’ love. A picture of how I look to so many things to assure me that I’m loved and satisfied and full when in reality there’s only one thing, one Man, that can not only assure me of these things, but actually provides them. And the effort to get those things thru any other means is just a meaningless and impotent source of false-confidence that no more delivers than the attention of many men delivers true love.

It doesn’t end there…

So, that took me back to Ephesians to all that jazz about women submitting to their husbands and husbands loving their wives, yada yada. (BTW, I think I finally understand those versus in the context of us being one body, but that’s for another day.)

What grabbed me like a barbed wire girdle (as my grandmother used to say) was the verse that says, “And for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.” Right below that Paul says he’s talking about Jesus’ relationship with his church (also known as his wife). Note, it’s the husband who leaves and note that the two become one flesh. SO, Jesus, being the husband, left his Father and his comfy home and came to “cleave” to us (his wife, his church) and we literally became one flesh with him.

As if that wasn’t enough, just look to the versus above this where Paul talks about a man loving, nurturing and cherishing his own body and that this is what husbands should do to their wives because now the wife is, indeed, part of his own body. That’s what Jesus does! We are literally part of his body and as part of his body, He loves, nurtures and CHERISHES us. No wonder Paul would give up all the silly, useless things he has been depending on to “gain” God’s love. He’s got it all, in the real form, in Jesus.

That’s what I want.

Only true love can prove true lovableness and if the love of Jesus, as described above, ain’t true love then I don’t know what is. Now, if my first Husband would go ahead and give me the second one that'd be just fine with me.

Loved, nurtured, cherished. That is me.

Loss

2008-07-27T21:40:00.004-04:00

Just a few days ago I was thinking about how long it's been since I've blogged, journaled or written anything for that matter. How long it's been since I've wanted to write. And low and behold I find myself on here 3 days later.

Funny how death will do that to ya. Make you want to express yourself. You can't really express to anyONE what you're feeling or thinking and so somehow writing is like getting it out without really caring if the other person understands. You understand (sort of) and that's enough when you write. At least it is for me.

Anyway, someone died. This someone is not really a "friend" but he was a big part of my life for several years - in a different way. I've been surprised at the emotions that have surfaced from his death. I miss him though I hadn't seen him in almost 3 years. I probably never would have seen him again, but now I know I won't. There's also emotions connected to the relationships that connected me to him. He was part of a time in my life that is now "the past" and his ending brings about a renewed sense or awareness of that part of my life's ending. It is over. It will never be again. I've known this. I'm pretty sure I've even mourned it before - when it actually ended. But, it's like the reminder of it being no more and never again brings up feelings of nostalgia and even love for that time, those people, that Heather, those experiences, even those hardships. It also brings up feelings of love for God. God was working so intensely (painfully yet sweetly) in my heart in that epic and being taken back there by this death, has made my heart long for God and love him afresh.

There are other feelings. The pain of those whom I loved even more than this man, those who loved him even more than I do. The pain for their loss hurts. I want them to be held and cared for and comforted. I can only pray that will be. And trust. I can't be there. I can't touch them or even talk to them. I can't give them my petty words of assurance or love. And that in itself is another form of pain.

The strangest thing about all of this is that when I was there - far from where I now live - I lost people who were here. Kind of the same situation, only the physical locations are reversed. And the weird thing is that the people I lost them were much closer to me than this man, but I don't think I ever felt as much as I've felt with this lost. I'm not even sure I ever mourned those people. And those were people I should have mourned. People who I was much closer to or more attached to thru family ties than this man. But, for whatever reasons (and I'm asking God to revel them if they're helpful at all), I didn't really FEEL the reality of their deaths and the worst part is I didn't feel the pain of other people that lost them. I just didn't feel much of anything.

Well, I think I've gotten my thoughts out. Not sure when I'll be back. Could be a day . Could be a year. Maybe I'll have some big revelation about the above paragraph and write about those soon. Maybe I'll just feel this pain and Jesus will hold my heart as he holds the hearts of those who have really truly lost a great man and a great love.

The Revisit

2008-03-09T13:44:00.006-04:00

Let's see now. It was fall of 2005, so that was two and a half years ago. Two and a half years since the most intense pain I've ever experienced. And two and a half years since the most intense love I've ever experienced.

God used a lot of stupid decisions and life-long patterns to bring me to that point. He was teaching me some hard, hard lessons about myself, others and His love. I had lived my whole life in flight or fight mode when it came to the heart. When in a place of risk (where the heart was involved) I would either pack my bags and head back to safer ground or I would fight like hell to make sure I wasn't going to experience pain. This was so normal, so part of who I had become thru the years that, though I could see it at times, I was powerless to overcome it.

As with all good stories, this one revolved around a guy. I had been in an on and off relationship (on and off because I was constantly fleeing) for three years and when HE finally ended it once and for all I was rocked. Then, almost immediately, he and my best friend started falling for each other. I was undone. I no longer had anything to take flight from, but boy did I have something to fight against. And that is where the work really began. God, along with Joyce Meyer, Jan Meyers, Elizabeth Elliot, Demps and Kristy and a few others, pressed me against a wall and would not let me flee nor fight. I was kicking and screaming, but I knew I was stuck. I was stuck in a place of raw pain. I was open and wounded and vulnerable. I was exposed and I had never felt such intense pain and such intense inability to do anything about that pain.

For the first time in my life, I was choosing to remain in the pain, to offer it to Jesus and to do nothing. Doing nothing is not in Heather's natural vocabulary. I had become so good at avoiding pain that there were times that I honestly did not think I would physically live thru the night. I had spent the previous 30 years unknowingly creating ways to feel secure and free from the danger of intense hurt. I had become impenetrable AND incapable of truly loving or being loved.

So, God in His desire to win my heart, broke it. He tore it open and I was naked and raw. I distinctly remember the moment of no return: I knew, and I said aloud to God, either You are everything and all I have or You are nothing. God was either irrelevant, maybe even non-existent or He was life. I knew this was it...this moment would define the rest of my life.

In His grace, He showed my desperate and broken heart that "I Am" truly Is. The pain remained, but the healing began.

So, why am I writing about this now, so long afterwards?

Well,I have learned to trust more and to open myself to the risks and pains of life. I have learned to love, not perfectly, but truly. I can see the fingerprints of God's work in my heart since that season. And with this increased trust and vulnerability comes increased pain. Hope brings pain. And with this pain comes the same question which brings me to revisit my questions from the past (or brings them to revisit me)... Is it worth it? And if it is, do I have the strength to keep trusting, keep opening myself, keep feeling, keep hoping, keep desiring without being overcome? Will I become a cynic? Will I give in to what my tired and pained heart tells me? Or will I trust in Him though He slay me?

My prayer today is that I will come face to face with Jesus once again and that He will bring me to repentance and faith once again. I long to trust. I long to stay in the room long enough for him to do his work. But, the battle is on and my heart is wanting to flee or fight. Lord, help me stay and trust.

The Purpose of PMS

2008-02-27T21:31:00.003-05:00

As me and my roommates were driving up 85 tonight, I found myself pondering the good things that come from PMS. It all started when I realized what a butt I had been to a dear friend and how surely PMS had a big role in it. So, what's the good in that, you ask? Well, let's see...

1. When else can you, for no good reason, get such a clear look at how sinful you really are?. The possibilities are endless here, but just to name a few: impatience, intolerance, harshness, hatred, imprudent speech (like that terminology?), anxiety, laziness, self-pity, shall I go on?

2. Delilah may not have survived 50 years of radio without our monthly friend. I mean what better time to turn the radio up and belt out your favorite love ballods. Feeling all the emotion (real and/or imagined) of the artists themselves. What a better time to listen to the cheese balls who call in and to somehow feel connected to them.

3. Where would Pfizer and Bayer be if not for PMS? I'm talking more than the makers of Motrin here people. I mean how many times have you thought, "Oh my gosh. Can someone please pop me a Prozac here?!" Or how many of your significant others have wished that for you?!

4. I know I would be even more prideful if not for my monthly exposition. This goes along with number one, but I'm not sure all these things are sin; more like humiliating exposés. It's where we, and all those near us, discover just how irrational, delusional, depressed, insecure and dramatic we can be. There's typically much need for the asking of grace during this time.

5. What else could possibly make us happy to finally just start!? Think about it, is there anything fun about a period? No. But how often have you found yourself saying, "I just wish my period would start so I could get off this emotional roller coaster!"

So, see ladies, we should all count our blessings each month - even in the midst our lovely monthly emotional volcanic explosions!

GUYS: I'm sorry if you found this disturbing or difficult to read, but just remember: at least you only have to read about it!

Pondering some words from O Holy Night...

2008-02-11T20:58:00.000-05:00

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

Till He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

Grattitude (or lack there of)

2008-01-06T15:00:00.000-05:00

So, this morning in church, the first song we sang went something like this, "I will approach God with thankfulness..." I'm sure I just slaughtered the true lyrics, but none-the-less that was the jest of it.
As I stood there singing that song, I realized that I do not approach God with grateful heart as of late. Instead, my eyes seem to see so much pain and suffering (in myself at times, my loved ones many times and strangers throughout the world all the time) that lately I've approached God with a questioning heart. How is God real and good and intimately involved in our lives and yet the suffering of my 5 year old nephew continues and the suffering of the Kenyans and Pakistanians continue and the suffering of the millions of lonely hearts around me continue? Where is the hope of the gospel in those situations. Where is Jesus when my nephew is home alone with a passed out mother? Where is Jesus when my co-workers marriage is falling apart? Where is Jesus when my friend is slipping into depression because of death in the family?
So, little by little my heart grows ungrateful until at last I realize I don't believe God is good - not today at least.
But then, between 10:45 and 12:15 this morning, Jesus, this God who I question and doubt and don't understand, comes to me and reminds me of what He gave me and my nephew and my co-worker and my friend and the world on the cross. He reminds me that I have Him and that I have an eternal hope and that I have all that I don't deserve. And I get a sudden yet subtle reminder that I do indeed have much to be thankful for, even if it's only that one thing - Jesus.
As my friend Dianne Nelson always said, "Whatever we've got, it's better than hell and that's what we deserve." Jesus is what I'm to be thankful for in the midst of this horrifyingly painful world.
Come Lord Jesus Come.

After writing that post, I must add a disclaimer. Those of you - all 2 of you! - who might gander at my blog now and again perhaps think I'm a melancholy, ultra-somber, quase-depressed soul. And I wouldn't blame you due to the nature of most of my posts. So, I feel the need to defend myself (against myself I guess) and say that most people who know me on any personal level would pretty much never describe me with those words. It's just that the only times I'm in the mood to blog are the moments when I've been pondering life and that usually involves some somber thoughts because in reality life is hard to most people who partake in it.

Fear

2007-11-22T21:12:00.000-05:00

Funny how fear works. It doesn't always feel like fear. You don't always feel afraid when fear is taking over. At least I don't. I often feel apathetic, uninterested in whatever it is that's calling me to risk - calling me to a place that I'm essentially afraid of. I would almost rather feel fear in it's rawest form because at least then I could it see it for what it is and deal with it with the right tools. Instead, I only feel the lack of desire to be in a certain situation or with a certain person. So, really I just feel the desire to be in the place of security and comfort. That doesn't feel scary or even like a negative feeling, so I just roll with it. I blow off the thing or person that is really evoking fear in me and I actually feel good about it - I feel un-needy, in control, independent. Yes, this feels right. After all, I've always been taught (or taught myself perhaps) that it's better to be un-needy than too needy. It's better to be independent than at risk. It's better to be in control than vulnerable.

So, now that I've got a few years of experience in dealing with my own deceptive heart, I can actually see this reality (though I still can't control it) and now I think my biggest fear is that I'm never going to change. That fear will always control me - even as I feel I am controlling it. That makes me afraid of never risking and never truly loving.

change

2007-09-16T18:20:00.000-04:00

"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." Psalm 84:6,7

I quoted that passage in Jan 2006, as I was making the decision to leave Brazil and return to America "de vez." I happened across that post today as I was doing a little blog-reminiscing and realized that that verse has become poignantly relevant to my life again. After returning to the US I pretty easily and quickly settled into a new home, new job, new place, new life. I got comfortable and accustomed to the Heather of that life. And then, the Lord did what He always does and He brought change, challenge, discomfort, movement, growth. This time He's brought it thru a new job which will probably lead to a new lifestyle, a new home, a new sense of purpose...

Since accepting this job a few days ago I've gone back and forth from excitement to fear. What it boils down to is fear of not being in control and comfortable. Not having it easy. The irony is that though I want those things - comfort, ease - I really long for more and as I read this verse I am reminded that that is always what God is bringing us into - more. More purpose, more dependence, more challenge, more growth, more life, more love, more adventure, more hardship, more of Him, MORE STRENGTH.

It's funny, as I think about the last post on this blog, I realize more and more that I really don't need to worry with the future. It's God's to direct and lead me into and He will indeed do that. I have no idea what my pilgrimage holds or exactly HOW I will go from strength to strength, but I'm excited about the journey.

we have this moment...and it's gone.

2007-08-19T14:48:00.000-04:00

So, I had a revelation a couple weeks ago that was somewhat encouraging and somewhat terrifying. I realized that for perhaps the first time in my life, I am living in the moment. I have lived my entire adult life antsy and discontent because I was always looking ahead...to the next moment, the next event, the next exciting venture, the next year, the next place I'd move, etc, etc. This always drove me crazy about myself because I knew I was never able to really enjoy now (which is the only moment we really can enjoy). I was too busy being excited about enjoying it in the future...of course, once that future became present day, I couldn't enjoy it because it wasn't the future anymore. Confusing? I know and it was frustrating, too!
Well, I have no idea how. I know I've prayed for God to free me from that web on various and random occasions over the years, but I don't know when or how I actually became free. I just know I did and I hope to never return.
So, what's the terrifying part of all this? Well, I'm afraid I might be confusing contentment with hopelessness. I'm not sure yet which it is. I just can't help but wonder if maybe the reason I'm not living in the hypothetical future is that I don't see a future worth getting excited about. Healthy? Not sure.
Anyway, that's my latest revelation...

Jesus, Lover of My (Emotionally Insane) Soul

2007-07-22T20:27:00.000-04:00

Well, between having a birthday (the first one to ever get to me...and boy did it), pms-ing severely and having some pretty stressful relational things going on, I just made it thru one of the most emotionally charged and draining weeks of my life. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration, but it wasn't fun to say the least...for me or anyone around me I'm sure.

So, today as I was sitting in church, the following words were on the overhead and everyone was singing and worshiping. I just had to sit and take them in. I immediately thought, "I must keep those words somewhere"; so, here they are...may they be a constant reminder not only to myself but to anyone who happens upon them here of the reality of grace and love and hope and rest that we have in Jesus. This morning I was fully aware of my utter need for this reality...

"Jesus, lover of my soul
Let me to Thy bosom fly
While the nearer waters roll
While the tempest still is high
Hide me, O my Savior hide
Til the storm of life is past
Safe into the haven guide
O, receive my soul at last

Other refuge have I none
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee
Leave, oh leave me not alone
Still support and comfort me
All my trust on Thee is stayed
All my help from Thee I bring
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing

Thou, O Christ are all I want
More than all in Thee I find
Raise the fallen, cheer the faint
Heal the sick and lead the blind
Just and holy is Thy name
I am all unrighteousness
False and full of sin I am
Thou are full of truth and grace"

i wanna be your cowgirl...

2007-04-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

So, last night I experieced the rodeo for the first time ever. How a girl from Carrollton goes all these years without a rodeo, I'm not sure, but it was definately an interesting night...a little culture shock now that I'm a big city girl...

I know, I know... those of you who really are city folk are laughing at me, but I REALLY did feel like I was in the twilight zone!

irony

2007-01-22T20:25:00.000-05:00

well just two days ago i sat here and wrote about how i just can't write anymore. now, today i sit here and all i can do is write. it's my only hope for getting some of this pain "out" for a moment or two. Don't get me wrong, I've talked to people, cried a lot and prayed the whole way home tonight, but the pain is still there. It's still intense and raw and deep down and I am alone - which sucks - so, i write.
Broken Hearts. i guess it's when your heart is broken that you really hurt for those who hurt. I mean, i hurt for other people, but i can't really FEEL their pain until i am in pain of my own. I feel it now. And thinking about how intense this heart ache is, i can only imagine how incredibly deep and long and hard it must hurt to get divorced (like my sister did after years) or to lose a husband (like my friend stacie did after 2 years). I think of my mother and the 4 divorces she's gone thru. I don't understand why this life is so painful. Why God chooses specific pain for each of us. But, i do know that there's some great, good hand of God behind it. I know that i have hurt as badly as i'm hurting now and that i've felt more rejected and alone than i feel right now...and i made it. God has met me in the midst of the deepest pain i've ever experienced and He has gotten me through some long, horrible days. He will do it again. Gosh, I don't want to have to suffer thru this. I want to DO SOMETHING to make it change, go away. But i can't and that is maybe the hardest part - just accepting the pain for what it is and offering it back to Jesus. I suck at that but after what i went thru in 2005, now i atleast know that that is what i need and want to do - accept the pain as a gift of some kind and to offer it back to God as the only thing I have to give Him right now.
I'm sure i'm making no sense. I'm sure no one will even read this, and if they do they'll probably not have a clue why my heart is so broken. But, i needed to say all that and i'm thankful that i got my blog back.

alone

2007-01-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

I can not write anymore. It's so strange. I come to this blog with feelings and thoughts and a deep sense of what I want to communicate and then it comes out like a I'm still a 16 year old cheerleader. Bad analogy? Anyway, it's just strange. I really miss those days when I could come here and put my heart and mind out there and it seemed to just flow out (at least to me it seemed to flow). I guess it's most frustrating because this blog in some sense makes me feel connected, not alone and when I can't even blog I feel even more disconnected, alone, un-understood. Anyway, that's about all I got right now. That's about all I've had for the last year. I haven't even been able to journal in ages. Well, I tried. I'll go back inside my head now.

What it all comes down to...

2006-07-31T19:47:00.000-04:00

On my drive home today things suddenly made sense. In that non-sensical kind of way. I was driving down Ponce which changes into Scott which turns into Hwy 78. Now-a-days that road is a familiar road, leading home, running westward, north of Decatur. It's the road that gets me from downtown or midtown or the Civic Center, or Little Five Points or The Fabulous Fox to this little apartment that is my home. But only 3 months ago that road was something entirely different. It was the road that I would ride on (not drive, for I was always a passenger in Judson's car if I happened to be on that road) to get from the mysterious and exciting, yet not so inviting Atlanta locals to Judson's house. It was a road that, in my mind's eye, ran West. It was north of nothing. For Decatur was only a word to me then. Just a place I'd heard of. A name that brought images of ghetto meets artsy.
So, as I was driving down that road (Ponce/Scott/78) today, pondering how my view and feel and perspective and attitude toward that drive is so different than it was just a couple of months ago and how distinctly real each view is/was to me, I realized such is life.
Whether it's a place or a relationship or a role in life, our view, our reality is based on our experience with that object, it's surrending, attachments, etc. It's all so subjective. And yet each perspective seems so real, so accurate.
I mean think about the way you viewed your best friend or boy friend or wife when you first saw them versus how you see them now. Or how you perceived your home when you first moved in. What about your work place when you first interviewed there. Your neighbor, your city, your country. Your children.
I can only imagine that the way I view marriage - something I've never experienced - will radically change on my wedding day and then on my one year anniversary and then on my fifty year anniversary.
Or what about death. Heck, what about life once I'm dead?!
And, the thing, that I ended on during this ride-home ponder was God. It made so much more sense...how we all have such different views of God based on our experiences, our place in life, our address in the world. But the most interesting part is to think about God's view of us, of life, of this world. What is God's view of Ponce/Scott/78? What is His view of himself? Imagine having the whole view and the accurate view.
It brings me great joy to make my way through these streets of Atlanta and take life in as I grow to know and love this city around me and it brought me greater joy as I pondered how I really don't have it all figured out. There's so many more facets to experience...of Atlanta, life and most of all God.

I'm reminded of the lyrics I sang (along with Alanis) yesterday on that same drive home

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright

yes enzo, i am a loser.

2006-05-21T11:29:00.000-04:00

ok, i have internet but i also have a job now...SO this whole blog updating is not happening YET. BUT, go to kristy's blog (see my list of links) and you'll see another glimpse of what's been happening in my life. ha.
even a pic of me and the dude there ;)

what thirty year old single chics do on friday night

2006-04-18T12:16:00.001-04:00

I know, I've been a blog-slacker...sorry my fellow bloggers, but this dial-up connection just doesn't do it for me...i WILL be back and you will know more than you ever cared to know about my pathetic life soon...

but for now...for those of you who are DYING to know what i've been up to...check out the link below to kristy simpson's blog...there are a few interesting pictures that might fill you in a bit on the life of this 31 year old single kid.

pack it up pack it in

2006-03-23T15:40:00.000-05:00

well, as my time here in brazil dwindles (one more week) i find myself getting more and more emotional. so far i haven't really been crying because i'm leaving, but more so because i don't what i'm stepping into...God has been so faithful to use this last week to continue to reveal the insecurities of my heart to me and help me to bring those things to Him...learning to trust Him with my deepest hurts and fears...

so, today i pretty much finished "packing" all my stuff...i feel like i'm taking so little back to America and i'm actually fine with that...i like the feeling of having less crap/junk in my life, but it is weird to see all my stuff laid out for others to pick thru...like the beginning of saying goodbye.

i got some sun today which was one of my goals for these last 3 weeks here (yes, very deep i know!), but i'm afraid i'm getting to my departure date and i'm not taking advantage of EVERYTHING...the brazilian sky, the city, my friends, my church, the smells, foods, culture, all the things i'll miss and don't even realize it yet...more reasons to trust Jesus i guess.

well, guys in America, i'm a coming and i'm excited to see what God has in store there...i'll need you and i can't wait to be with you again!

gente aqui no Brasil, vou sentir a sua falta demais e mesmo que esteja longe, preciso de vocês e quero ocntinuar nas amizades preciosas que Deus tem me dado em vocês...te amo!

A Picture Speaks A Thousand Words

2006-03-21T23:59:00.000-05:00

The Apples of His Eye...

2006-03-15T11:20:00.000-05:00

These are some of the young girls that I've had the privelege of being involved in their lives and their understanding of Jesus' love for them. They all represent hard, poverty stricken lives...most live in violent homes where they are often the primary care-givers of younger children.

This is Bruno and his mother. These two touch my heart every time I see them. Bruno has two younger sibblings and an older brother that is into a lot of drugs and gangster stuff. I've watched God take Bruno from an angry, violent boy to a boy with a soft heart and a servant's spirit. It's amazing to see that kind of transformation by the gospel. Bruno's mother is very intelligent and though she has no formal education, she is very motivated to learn all she can and to raise her children well. I am humbled every time I'm around her...a woman who has practically nothing, yet manages to hang on to hope and make the most of what she does have in life.

This is Jaqueline. She's about 15 years old and while I was in America these last few months her walk with God has taken off. She began seeking Jesus and her understanding of grace has exploded. When returned to Brazil, she was one of the first ones to run up to me, hug me and tell me how much I was missed. I was taken a back - this girl who suffers so much in daily life is welcoming me with so much love!

Jaqueline's story is an amazing one. She is the oldest of atleast four children. Her mother had twins this past year and died shortly after due to complications with diabetes and lack of available medical care becuase they are so poor. Jaqueline's family now lives in another city where her father hopes to be able to provide better for them. But Jaqueline has chosen to remain in Belo alone due to financial and family complications.

Please pray for all of the dear people...that they would know true hope in Christ Jesus...that one day there would be no more suffering, no more hunger, no more violence, no more neglect...

e agora...apresentando...

2006-03-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

Judson
o doador das tulipas ;)

a few things to make me feel better about my lack of blogging...

2006-02-13T16:49:00.000-05:00

- claudia has been here for a 10 days and has revolutionized my life...i've worked out twice, am getting up earlier and have actually gotten a few things done during the day!

- it's snowed three times since claudia got here...i've been ten million times more excited about it than her...it hasn't stuck once

- i received flowers saturday and didn't totally freak-out (big deal for those of you who know me)

- we (cluadia and i) found little-brazil...it's literally 15 minutes down the road and it's the real deal...complete with couples making out in public!!

- i've eaten brazilian food four times in three days!!!

- we went to a brazilian church (also 15 minutes down the road)...it was totally un-americanized and came complete with a free estroganoff lunch afterwards...we were very welcomed and loved-on and it gave claudia and myself saudades (that home-sick feeling)

- claudia and i drove up to hang out with demps, kristy, paige and jeremy...we had a silly, fun time playing "jeoparpy" in front of a whole restaurant of people...yeah, you know how demps and i hate being center of attention ;)

from an email i got today

2006-02-02T20:28:00.000-05:00

"i think the 20's are hell for everyone in varying degrees.
in the western world, the soul is the first thing to go.
we become adults at a very high price.
it all smells like death to me.
never ignore the voice of the child inside...
anyway,
i hope this finds you well &
may your choices come from a
land that fear will never know."

i think this blog is becoming about my beautiful family! (but i promise to not become one of those annoying people!)

2006-01-30T15:59:00.000-05:00

with my cousin-sister Shea (top) with Shanon and James (middle) ; and with my sissy Amber (bottom);

This past weekend was one of my favorite since I've been back home...
Saturday night my cousin, Shanon, threw a 40th Bday surprise party for her hubby James. It was SO good to see so many of my aunts, uncles, and cousins...some I had not seen in years. We danced and laughed and talked the night away!! Check out the pics...

Then on Sunday I went to my home Church, King's Chapel, where the Dempseys were also visiting that Sunday. It is always great to be back there, but this Sunday was just special. I felt as though God were just loving me through these old friendships. Good hugs mean a lot to me I'm realizing! My favorite one came from Mr. Pearson, an eldery man whose love for me is such a reflection of God's love for me...undeserved, unexplainable, rewarding and sincere. OH, that dear man.

It was all such a blessing! And so much a reminder of how much being loved by people is transformational especially when we see it as a reflection of the constant, unconditional love of Jesus.

my sweet little daddy

2006-01-23T17:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, enough of no pics with the Pops...we finally got some and they're not too shabby :) Saturday my dad's one brother, of 6 sibblings, who lives out of state came down and we met up...visiting the old house they grew up in and celebrating Tyre's and Mike's bdays...it was great to see three of the five brothers together again :)

terry, mike (dad's second oldest brother and wife), dad, me, tyre (dad's oldest brother) and andrea (my cousin...mike and terry's daughter)

with my daddy and angel (step mom)

things pondered...

2006-01-17T10:12:00.000-05:00

"No one can give you what you already have."

"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." Psalm 84:6,7

"And this is me on my best day."

2006-01-12T22:03:00.000-05:00

I’ve been feeling kind of restless
I’ve been feeling out of place
I can hear a distant singing
A song that I can’t write
And it echoes of what
I’m always trying to say
There’s a feeling I can’t capture
It’s always just a prayer away
I want to know the ending
Things hoped for but not seen
But I guess that’s the point of hoping anyway
Of going home,
I’ll meet you at the table
Going home,
I’ll meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be home
I’m confined by my senses
To really know what you are like
You are more than I can fathom
And more than I can guess
And more than I can see with you in sight
But I have felt you with my spirit
I have felt you fill this room
And this is just an invitation
Just a sample of the whole
And I cannot wait to be going home
Going home, I’ll meet you at the table
Going home, I’ll meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be going, to be going home
Face to face, how can it be
Face to face, how can it be
Face to face, how can it be
Cuz this is just an invitation
Just a sample of the whole
And I cannot wait to be going home

on becoming a princess

2006-01-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am officially Princess Heather of Disney Downtown. Crowned on January 7, 2005 along with Princess Allison and Princess Jenny. It was a fabulous ordination...pomp and cheer! Along with being crowned, we ate free chocolates from Ghiradelli, played with Legos at the Lego World (see the Lego dogs in pic) and any and all of the other 3 things you can do for FREE at Disney World ;)

Our trip to Orlando included dinner with Pinta, Roberta and Marina - who flew in from Brazil just for a taste of some Americanized churrasco.

We also spent 3 days in a lovely little home with old friends Lee and Joy Knight and Demps and Kristy Dempsey....Kristy being our star Marathon runner...coming in 11, 239 place in just 6 hours! Now that's when you know you've found a true woman - one who can get up at 3am, wait in the cold til 6am and then run for 6 hours non-stop and still go out for Churrasco that night! She's my heroin. Though I'm not sure Princesses are to have heroes of any sort.

(lego dogs, people)

Last Days of 2005...nothing boring here!

2006-01-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

Well, the last weeks and days of 2005 proved to be full ones...I visited many cities, 3 CO Christmas Conferences and 3 states in 2 weeks and got to catch up with a lot of old and dear friends. God really used my travels to renew my vision and remind me of what's really important to me and most importantly what's important to Him. I feel like my heart has been refreshed with the gospel and encouraged by the lives of so many friends who are walking with Jesus and experiencing the trials and errors, the up and downs, the battles wounds and victories of this life. Face to Face was the theme of one conference I went to and that's what I feel happened: I came Face to Face with Jesus and I walk away with hope and desire.

The last night of 2005 was also spent with old and new friends here in Atlanta...we rang in the New Year with a bang....

Mac (new friend), Rachel, Kristy, Boojie, yours truly and Paige

As I think back over the last year...wow, it's amazing all that has happened, all the places God has taken me - both geographically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I can only be thankful. It's been a tough year, perhaps one of the hardest yet, but I don't think I've ever been so convinced of God's love for me and for that I wouldn't change a thing! In all the bits of pain and dissapointment, I see love and hope and growth shining through.

My hope for 2006 is that it would be just as lively, just as transforming, just as life-giving even if it cost just as much.

silly lyrics?

2005-12-26T21:40:00.000-05:00

I've heard this song (see some of lyrics below) hundreds of times and I've sung along with Kelly not even knowing what I was singing until today when, for some reason, I actually listened to what I was singing. It was almost comical at how I was singing about my self, my self-protective way, my fears. Who the "you" is in the song is pretty much irrelevant, but what is relevant is my (our) incredible tendency to put up walls in order to control, secure and protect our hearts from pain. The irony that I'm cleary seeing is that in this desire (or rather, need) to control things, I am actually being controlled by the need to control/protect/secure. Oh, how I see the gospel, the freedom that Jesus offers me, as more and more relevant to my life...the more I see my own issues (bieng captive to my own lack of trust, for example) the more I see my desperate need and desire for the security that Jesus offers me: the security that, if I take hold of it, frees me up to trust, risk, love and be loved. It's often hard to believe that I can change, rather that God is changing me, but I must hold on to the hope that "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion..." and that even if I don't experience that completion in this life, I will experience it forever with Jesus.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Kelly Clarkson
"Because Of You"

Go Falcons!!!

2005-12-13T21:55:00.000-05:00

Who said American fans didn't know how to get rowdy for their team? I was pretty impressed!!

beluga whales and other fish tales

2005-12-11T23:08:00.000-05:00

Yes, I did take this picture (and several others that I'd be glad to send you) and no I wasn't in the bottom of the sea. BUT, I sure felt like I was.

If I had the ability to communicate in words the wonder of what I experienced at the new Georgia Aquarium (the world's largest!) I would write an incredible book. But, I'm not sure anyone can put such majesty into words.

I can only tell you that as I sat feet from these creatures I was in utter amazement. I was in awe. They are awesome beings and I couldn't help but think of God creating these odd fish. I saw creatures I never imagined existed and I touched ones I never thought I'd even see. My mind kept thinking on how God created these for His pleasure. God must just sit back and delight in His creation. It is amazing after all.

And just now as I'm typing this I remember that God said in Genesis that all His creation was "good", but when He made man it was "very good." Wow. God sees us (and we know how screwed up we are) and takes delight in us - His most prized and precious creation. Wow.

Okay, I'm amazed once again. Need to ponder that one more like I pondered those whale sharks and beluga whales...in awe of them and of their Maker.

"I want to be happy and free"

2005-12-06T13:56:00.000-05:00

(em breve em português!)

That’s what a friend of mine said the other day about what he wants from life. When he asked me what it is I want out of life I said something about loving others. And, it’s true, I do want to love others. But, I kept thinking about his answer…”to be happy and to be free.” I found that response interesting, deep and true. I asked this friend of mine what “to be free” meant to him and he said, “free from addictions, routines and obligations.” I think this is probably a common definition, but, I told him, I don’t think a life without any of those things is possible. But, I was thinking how we really are prisoners and how I too want to be free. And for me, freedom means free from selfishness, anger, bitterness, uselessness…from myself basically. It would be so good to be from my little Heather-world and be free to really love others.
A few days after that conversation, I was finishing the book Blue Like Jazz (see below) and the author said something that caught my attention. He closes the book with this,

"The first generation out of slavery invented jazz music. It is the music birthed out of freedom. And that is the closest thing I know to Christian Spirituality. A music birthed out of freedom. Everybody sings their song as they feel it; everybody closes their eyes and lifts up their hands." He continues, "I want Jesus to happen to you the way he happened to me. I want you to know Jesus too. This book is about the songs my friends and I are singing. This is what God is doing in our lives. But what song will you sing when your soul gets set free? I think it will be something true and beautiful. If you haven't done it in a while, pray and talk to Jesus. Ask Him to become real to you...to forgive you of your self-addiction, to put a song in your heart. I can't think of anything better that could happen to you than this. Much love and thanks for listening to us sing."

This captured my heart because I saw that that’s what I would say to my friend about what I want. I want to be free, too, my friend. With Jesus’ freedom that creates a unique, live and transforming song! Oh, that our lives may sing like that!

I think David was a blogger

2005-12-03T00:21:00.000-05:00

"Flipping" through the millions of blogs out there (using that little icon in the upper right hand corner of the screen, 'next blog'), I came across worlds. Literally, hundreds of entrances into the personal worlds of hundreds of people in dozens of coutries with hundreds of life stories. And the thing that silently screams from all the pages is "know me. please someone know me and find me interesting. connect with who i am."

It's fascinating really how we long to be known and loved. Oh, sure, we avoid it and run from. We're terrified of it really - that someone would really know us. Or worse, that someone would know us and then reject us. But, in the end, that's what we want - a deep connection with another human.

I feel it. It's real, this deep desire. And I've found a reality that's both comforting and disappointing...noone can ever really know me. Not the depths of who I am and how I work and what is going on in my heart and mind and soul. I mean, heck, I can't even get down to the depths of it all.

But the desire is there and that desire both moves toward others in hope and carries me away from them in fear.

And then I remember the One who made me and knows me and longs to connect with me...I moved toward Him in hope and my heart feels connected and known and loved. Ah, that's nice. I can unplug my computer now and rest, knowing that Someone out there gets me.

Salmos 139 (Ps 139)
Senhor, tu me sondas, e me conheces.
Tu conheces o meu sentar e o meu levantar; de longe entendes o meu pensamento.
Esquadrinhas o meu andar, e o meu deitar, e conheces todos os meus caminhos.
Sem que haja uma palavra na minha língua, eis que, ó Senhor, tudo conheces.
Tu me cercaste em volta, e puseste sobre mim a tua mão.
Tal conhecimento é maravilhoso demais para mim; elevado é, não o posso atingir.
Para onde me irei do teu Espírito, ou para onde fugirei da tua presença?
Se subir ao céu, tu aí estás; se fizer no Seol a minha cama, eis que tu ali estás também.
Se tomar as asas da alva, se habitar nas extremidades do mar,
ainda ali a tua mão me guiará e a tua destra me susterá.
Se eu disser: Ocultem-me as trevas; torne-se em noite a luz que me circunda;
nem ainda as trevas são escuras para ti, mas a noite resplandece como o dia; as trevas e a luz são para ti a mesma coisa.
Pois tu formaste os meus rins; entreteceste-me no ventre de minha mãe.
Eu te louvarei, porque de um modo tão admirável e maravilhoso fui formado; maravilhosas são as tuas obras, e a minha alma o sabe muito bem.
Os meus ossos não te foram encobertos, quando no oculto fui formado, e esmeradamente tecido nas profundezas da terra.
Os teus olhos viram a minha substância ainda informe, e no teu livro foram escritos os dias, sim, todos os dias que foram ordenados para mim, quando ainda não havia nem um deles.
E quão preciosos me são, ó Deus, os teus pensamentos! Quão grande é a soma deles!
Se eu os contasse, seriam mais numerosos do que a areia; quando acordo ainda estou contigo.
Sonda-me, ó Deus, e conhece o meu coração; prova-me, e conhece os meus pensamentos;
vê se há em mim algum caminho perverso, e guia-me pelo caminho eterno.

opa!

2005-11-30T09:01:00.000-05:00

reunited and it feels so good

2005-11-29T12:47:00.000-05:00

Meet Kristy, Rachel and April...the girls I lived with the last year before moving to Brazil...We, along with about 15 other old-school friends, met up in Atlanta this past Saturday and had a blast catching up and just being together!!

pecado, arvores e jesus (sin, trees and jesus)

2005-11-27T22:14:00.000-05:00

Comecei esse dia numa briguinha com minha colega de quarto. Acho que é a primeira vez que morei com alguem muito parecido comigo no fato que falamos o que pensamos e temos opinão bem forte sobre quase tudo.
A coisa boa é que temos em comum é que temos confiança suficiente entre nós pra poder brigar (discutir) sem muito medo. A coisa ruim é que talvez não sabemos quando já entrou no pecado (orgulho, querindo ser A Certa, etc). Então, foi assim que começou o dia. Depois, fizemos as pazes e isso foi bom. Deus é bom. Toda vez que já engoli meu orgulho, pedi perdão, confessando meu pecado na situação, Deus derramou muita graça e o relacionamento ficou melhor do que antes. Foi isso que Deus fez hoje :)

Bom, depois disso, montamos nossa arvore de Natal e ficou linda!!! Tudo parace Natal agora no apartamento e fico feliz demais de estar aqui no mundo onde tudo tá enfeitado de Natal. Sei que isso não tem nada a ver com Natal de verdade, mas me ajuda a lembrar do Natal de verdade...agora, olhando pra nossa arvore de Natal na sala (coisa esquisita fazer se for pensar bem, neh) fico pensando na arvore de verdade que tem tudo a ver com Natal. A cruz de Cristo onde Ele morreu pra meus pecados (inclusive meu orgulho que rendeu essa briga hoje) e me deu a vida dEle. Talvez seja facil esquecer de Jesus não só durante essa epoca de Natal mas dia após dia. Então por isso sou grata, até mesmo pelas brigas pois elas me fazem grata pela misericordia e perdão que tenho em Jesus e me fazem querer perdoar, amar e não brigar!

nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality

2005-11-26T12:26:00.000-05:00

that's the subtitle of this book i just started reading....

enjoying it so much that i'm already planning to give it to several people for Christmas.

most of all i'm enjoying it because i feel it...that deep, mysterious part of my soul that wants to be a writer or a poet you know; well that part of me is feeling it, relating to the author and his frustrations with life, christianity as we know it and mostly himself - his own self-righteousness, false christianity, sin, mis-representation of Jesus to the world, lack of compassion and action...

recommend it to anyone who likes a creative, oddly written read and who desires the real thing when it comes to Jesus.

lessons on grace

2005-11-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

there's a lot i could say about these two eighty-ish year old cuties you see in this pic. i could tell you they are my ex-ex-step-grandparents. i could tell you about how great a cook she is. i could tell you about what a great and funny Vet he is. i could tell you about boat rides and weddings or the most wonderful laugh i've ever laid ears on. i could tell you about his current illness or her past ones...

but what i really want to tell you is exactly what i want to tell them someday...

these two little and great people taught me (rather showed me) more about grace than i could even begin to tell you. thank you Jesus for the simple yet profound things this couple has done to live out Your grace.

i bet they don't even know it.

if God wasn't sovereign...

2005-11-25T21:38:00.000-05:00

or even if He was, but didn't remind me of that fact quiet often, i would go crazy or into a depressed funk and never come out.

That's the thought I pondered for a while on my escape back to Woodstock from Carrollton tonight. I realized that when I forget that fact and lose the perspective that He's in control AND good and, therefore, the world (especially the one of my family) is not on my shoulders, I get really, really, really drained. I get sad, worried, frustrated, hopeless and my survival mechanism is to run, run, run. Emotionally I am drained and have nothing to give to anyone, yet feel guilty for it because I've forgotten that it's not ME they need after all!

Oh, thankful, rested, at peace, sturdy in the storm, able to "stay" and love...that's what happens when I'm beleiving in the One who is in control and with that with an arm of love.

I failed again today, as I always do, at remembering this and relating to my family based on that simple and life-altering truth. God please help me to know it, not just in my head, but in my walk in life. Help me to rest in You and hang in there with others no matter how overwhelming their problems seem to me.

Home for the Holidays...let the eating begin!

2005-11-24T21:38:00.000-05:00

with my baby brother and mother with my mom's baby brother (is there a trend here?)
ben "loving on" smokey joe

This is my first Holiday Season to be home with my family in four years. Today, Thanksgiving Day, I am reminded of the joys and the pains, the pleasures and the prices of what is means to be home this time of year!

I had a surreal, nostalgic feel this morning as I picked up my nephew and visited my sister and father for a few moments. Happy to be here, but once again feeling a bit dissappointed and helpless as I faced the reality of sin in my family, in the world...the discord, confusion, depression, disanimation, selfishness, fear. And though And though many old, but familiar feelings like fear, frustration and sadness came flooding just as they did when I was a teen, I saw a difference in myself. An ability to step back, look at the situation and not totally get lost within it, but to step out and let go AND love at the same time.It was freeing - for us all I believe.

The day continued with great things for which I am very thankful...cooking in the kitchen WITH mama all day then eating, playing football, walking to the creek, talking, eating some more, watching the Falcons...and all that within the context of enjoying A LOT of people, some known, many unknown.

I felt that it was such an American Thanksgiving and we were wiped out and tight as ticks when it was all done tonight. Isn't that nice :)

the new abode

2005-11-23T19:57:00.000-05:00

portuguese, walmart and conquering fears

2005-11-22T22:29:00.000-05:00

i'm daily discovering just how inundated this area is with brazilians! i love it. i love randomly hearing portuguese while i'm out at walmart or the mall. i try not to get too excited in public, but i have followed a few of them around the store trying to get the courage to speak to them. ha.

speaking of courage, i entered one of the scariest, teeny-bopper stores ever tonight. i DO NOT go in those stores normally b/c i feel so frumpy and un-cool and i'm afraid of what the cool people think of me. i know, i know, get over it! anyway, paige was my moral support tonight and we went in! i even walked out with a cool pair of jeans :)

"coisas do brasil"

2005-11-21T17:14:00.000-05:00

That's the name of the store I just discovered down the road! What "coisas" did I find? Well, everything from guarana to panatone to adds for a brasilian church to, and this is the most exciting, a woman who will do my nails for $20!!! Yeeeessss. I think I'm gonna survive here after all ;)

meet the roomies

2005-11-21T11:38:00.000-05:00

meet my roommates...
paige, many of you know her as enzo's fiance. great gal. we're having a blast together!
bruiser, the 3 pound chihauhau (don't even know how to spell that word) who is warming up to me. you know, you were right...stewart was not typical...i think i can handle, even enjoy, this.

the "you almost got shot" discount

2005-11-21T02:41:00.000-05:00

We assumed this was the discount that was in play tonight when our waiter left our drinks off our tab at the chique Sports Bar in the new "Atlantic Station" in downtown atlanta (got to check it out people!).
A nice discount. How to get one for yourself? Well, it's a matter of luck I'm afraid. Just be there on the night that someone threatens to pull a gun and, thus, hundreds of wild people (including yourself and your two girlfriends) run frantically into street, just waiting to have to dodge bullets!
Where am I again?

first full day in woodstock

2005-11-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

6:45am - wake up - first miracle for those of you who know me. find it's 27 degrees (-3 celcius) outside
7:00am - sipping coffee that i made - second miracle - and reading psalms 115. feels good, this moment.
7:30am - outside to take a closer look at the ice my Creator delicately placed on every blade of grass and needle of pine. it's a wonderland.
10:00am - a mid-aged woman named Penny introduces herself as she asks for help on the computer in our apartment's "cyber cafe".

10:05am - finding out that Penny and her 35 year-old, single daughter live right above me...trading info...hoping to be in insider!
1:00pm - see my first "beggar" on the street. a well dressed man with a state of the art prothestic leg, standing near his new dual-cab truck, holding a sign that says, "help those with no health insurance. please donate". okay, i respect the intentions, really, but the reality of the world i'm in (and the one i call home in belo) hits hard.
2:00pm - drive around to take in the many colors of the leaves before they all fall off to welcome the true winter

first signs

2005-11-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

Sitting in the Miami Intertational Airport at 5am local time, I spot, to my utter delight, my the first sign that I'm truly back in the land of opportunity...fountain drink, half diet/half regular, all the ice you want, all the refills you can handle...oh, yes, home sweet home ;)

Lessons, Laughs and Laments...

2005-11-16T10:22:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Elisabeth Elliot, I've decided to record some of my daily happenings here for all to enjoy or ignore...to each his own. So, keep reading if you're interested in walking a bit with me thru this adventure they call "going back home."

Victor

2005-10-21T22:10:00.000-04:00

This evening I met someone who highly impacted my life...Victor; a 13 year-old, poor Brazilian kid. My roommate and I decided to walk to the park near our home here in Belo Horizonte, Brazil. This park is also close to Victor's home. I've not seen his home, but I know the neighborhood he lives in pretty well and I can tell you that most of the homes there are clay brick walls, some make-shift room and dirt floors. Victor, I'm sure lives like the other hundreds of children in the "villa" live - many "family" members crammed into a 2 room shack.
So, as my roomie and I are getting ready to throw the frisbee a bit, we meet a few kids from teh Vila...they adore talking to us because it's not everyday that "rick" people treat them like real people and it's especially not normal for them to talk to "gringos" (foreigners). And, we adore talking to them because it's not everyday you get the chance to love and be loved by someone from a totally different reality than yours - oh the things one can learn about life and love and God thru these little, dirty, simple, tender yet hard people.
SO, back to Victor...we wrap up our convo, which was mostly about all of our ages and language, and my roomie and I head off to throw the frisbee. A few minutes into our "game", the elder of the children we'd just met, walks up and starts showing us his game - hit the plastic bottle with an old broom stick. If only they had baseball in Brazil - this kid could go somewhere! Well, we decide to take a whirl at it and then Victor shows us some of his quite impressive front flip on foot tricks (we were terrified he was gonna bust it!). So, as we con't to hang with this boy, he suddenly opens up and shares his broken, bitter heart with us.
Turns out Victor IS a normal kid from the Vila - angry, hurt, abused, no dad at home, a mother who's present but likely not capable of mothering anyone and lots of siblings, aunts and uncles. But, something is oddly different about Victor - he's smart, he's educated, he's pilote and he's honest - about his heart even. He's angry, but he claims God as his only friend, the only one he "can really talk to, who really cares and listens." Victor seems to be Catholic, for he uses the terms and speaks of the church as the place for forgiveness.
We listened to Victor a lot, shared with him the most we thought appropriate and promised to pray for him. Just before leaving he shared that his birthday was on the 13th, but that noone really remembered it, so that was it - a tangible and simple way to love this kid. We busted into song, first in Portuguese and then in English, with Happy Birthday to Victor. Oh, the smile, with just a hint of proud embarassment. Earlier in the conversation, as he was tearfully recounting something, I has so wanted to hug him, but wasn't sure if that would be too much for this guy who probably never got hugged. But, in this Birthday Moment, I had the perfect and appropriate moment to do so (to Brazilians, hugs and birthdays go hand in hand!) .
So we left Victor, but not without a promise to see him Monday - if he'd meet us at the church service there in the Vila. Oh, how I pray he'll go. Oh, how I pray he'll love Jesus and be restored and loved and used by Our Sweet Lord someday. What a victory I imagine for our Victor!

created a blog!

2005-10-19T01:06:00.000-04:00

well, i guess it was a year or more ago that i first heard this word "blog" and suddenly tonight i felt inspired to google "how to start a blog". ends up, it's pretty dang simple to do this...so, hey, who knows where this will lead. one more internet distraction to keep me from doing something useful!
so, my name is heather and i currently live in belo horizonte, brazil. have been here for almost four years and next month i'm returning to the USofA. don't know for exactly how long or where i'll end up after my time there, but i'm sure God knows and that's pretty much all i'm banking on these days.
okay...guess i'll post this baby now...